Charlotte's Lot

Men can be terribly weak

Hi Charlotte,
It’s not important whether I think your husband is having an affair or not. What matters is what you think, regardless of whether he is or isn’t. Maybe there is an element of you enjoying the thought of your husband having sex with someone, although if it is distressing you so much I would try and focus on something else for a while.

Try approaching the topic again when you have a little more distance. It’s possible that Doug senses your hysteria and is avoiding dialogue. Men can be terribly weak like that. I once finished with a neurotic girlfriend in a crowded pub because I thought she would be too embarrassed to breakdown or make a scene there.

Doctor B

Kiss

Hello,

You sent me a kiss Doctor B. That was nice, I have never had an x from a published author.
Charlotte. - by the way you spell my surname with two t's -it's 'Lott' not 'Lot'. I seem to have spent the entirety of my married life telling people 'it's two t's', perhaps Douglas should just change it to one T.

Love Charlotte, x

Respect me "Without self-confidence we are as babes in the cradle. And how can we generate this imponderable quality, which is yet so invaluable, most quickly? By thinking that other people are inferior to oneself" Virginia Woolf

HI Charlotte,
Yeah that does sound a bit unfair from here. That’s the trouble though isn’t it? We’re not always fair or reasonable to our loved ones-it’s good to have an invisible line when dealing with lovers or husbands/wives-know if someone crosses your line, and make a decision about how to deal with it. In your mind Charlotte, I suspect there is a level of respect that you deem you are self-worthy of- perhaps you are giving Douglas unconscious signals that it is acceptable for him to speak unfairly or disrespectfully to you.

I would like you to do this little exercise for me-
Get a piece of paper and write down ‘I respect myself because I am a worthy person’. Write it down as many times as you can before your arm starts feeling numb and just notice what pops into your head as you write it. I bet you find a certain amount of resistance to the phrase-see what kind of negative reactions your mind comes up with in response to this simple affirmation-let me know what you get.

Ps-email when you want –as I said before little and often works better for me than long and often.
Doctor Bedford.

reap what ye shall sew

Charlotte,

I do not require you to experience upheaval for my benefit.
On the contrary, it would give me great pleasure for you to enjoy each breath of this precious life. I’m a healer first and foremost.

Please try and forget about what you think my agenda is-tell me what ever it is you want to tell me. Truthfully Charlotte, my agenda and my topic of research has already changed since we began this dialogue, so relax, and in the famous words of Bill Hicks ‘Enjoy the Ride’.

All our problems are by and large self-manufactured. I believe that we all have the power to change our lives by making tiny habitual changes to our behaviour, which in time will cause our whole perspective to shift.

Glad you found the five -year -plan beneficial. Interesting isn’t it, to see how the small seemingly meaningless choices you make today, shape your destiny.
Hope it was useful
Doctor Bedford

Making whoopee

September 16th

Dear Doctor B,
When I said I didn’t mind sharing personal things with you I meant it! Regardless of whether that would entail delving deeply into a dream or opening up about a sexual fantasy. …..

What would be the point in receiving counseling from you if I wasn’t prepared to discuss anything juicy? I don’t mind telling you things as long as you’re prepared Doctor Bedford for the occasional frippery or even, lest I say- banality? You see- whilst I often feel myself to be the heroine of a drama-a very quiet drama, I’m aware that you may be wanting a little more upheaval.

Of course, this could just be my guilt talking. I’ve just been watching a programme about a family living after a tsunami. This poor family of ten have been forced to live together in a one room tent. Their supper consisted of a single rat split between them all. I tried to imagine Douglas, mum, Aunty Beryl, the Captain and Doug’s mum all sharing a tent between us and having a rat for dinner but I’m afraid I just couldn’t imagine. I don’t think I would ever eat a rat Doctor Bedford, or live in a tent. Infact if I’m totally honest, I wouldn’t even sleep in a tent- not even for a night.

I wrote down what I’d like to be doing in five years Doctor Bedford. In five years, I’d like to have two children but with different wall -paper in the lounge.

In one years time I would like to have a baby number one. I would like to have a girl and call her Diana, after the Princess who was truly the most beautiful woman there has ever been. I would also like a pink cashmere sweater as the original one I had from a holiday in Monaco has got bobbles on the right sleeve.

In two weeks time, I think I would like to do something charitable, perhaps something for that family in the tent I mentioned. Of course it doesn’t have to be them exactly, it could be British people that have been forced to live in caravans for similar reasons.

I enjoyed that exercise Doctor B; what was doing it supposed to feel? It made me think. It made me realise that if I wanted to have a baby by next year, Douglas and I better start making whoopee, as the Gus Kahn song goes.

Goat's cheese salad

September 15th

Doctor B it is then, I like the way you have shortened my husband’s name to Doug; it sounds more friendly and personal somehow.

I think the real reason why I didn’t tell T the whole truth about me is because in a way I feel that the things I may tell him, explain me better than the truth. If I told him I wasn’t going to go to Scotland to stay with him for a weekend because my husband said, ‘no’, on account of it being too far, then I should not feel as though I was giving him the true picture of what I’m about. I have so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head and they are not all about what dessert best goes with goat’s cheese salad, that saying I’m not allowed to go would not have represented things at all. I don’t expect that to make any sense, and I have been taught that the truth does not come in many different colours, so maybe I am just trying to justify the fact that I’m lying. What I do know is sometimes when I talk to T, or similarly I suppose, as to when I write things down in an email to someone, there seems so much more truth there than I think you can gather from what I actually do with my life.
As for going to Germany-I am going there with Douglas in about a month to see Douglas’s parents who have been living out there for two years now. Douglas’s Dad who we call the Captain on account of his military background, is going to be sixty, and his mum is putting on a party. It’s also going to be tying in with my 26th so going to Germany, another place I’ve never been before is going to be a bit of a treat for me too.

I tried to get my mum to read your paragraph on the healing poweres of sex but she got quite upset and nearly choked on her calliflower cheese; poor mum hasn't had it since my dad went off for that pot noodle.

Yes perhaps there isn’t always equal discussion between Douglas and me, but I suppose that is because he is older, cleverer, and more experienced than I am. Douglas will be thirty-six, in four months. He is also is the one who works very hard all day long, so the two of us can have the nicest possible standard of living. So, when I do (we do) eventually have children it’s nice to think that unlike Sara or my old school friend Nicola or my mum for that matter, I won’t have to worry about money. I won’t have to worry because all the time Douglas will have been beavering away earning it all the time.

I think I’m lucky really, to have a man that likes a woman to be a woman and doesn’t mind taking care of me. Douglas’s has lost contact with all his old friends because of splits in marriages caused by the women in the partnerships getting increasingly demanding jobs to the detriment of the marriage. Just goes to show that it doesn’t pay to be to clever. The heart must come first. Don’t you think Doctor Bedford? Love Charlotte.

American Style Pancakes

"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way"

September 14^th

Dear Doctor Bedford,

Could I call you Doctor B, it seems So much friendlier?

You are right about happiness passing-I woke up this morning to find exactly that. The happiness slipped away and in its place were breakfast plates to wash. I don’t know why I bother getting up to make breakfast if I’m just going to get a miserable grey face. I kept saying ‘What’s wrong Honey’ to Douglas

and ‘Do you want some more pancakes’? But I couldn’t get a single ‘Yes please, Sugar bum’ or ‘this is lovely Bumble puff’ from him. In the end Missy was the only one who really enjoyed it. She managed to spill the pancake batter onto the floor and stick her lovely little white face into it. Miss Saigon is off, apparently his clients have cancelled coming to the UK this weekend and there is no point our going again without them. I wish I hadn’t told T that I’m going away to Germany this weekend, which is only a bit of a lie.

Perhaps our ‘anal sex’ arrangement does seem a bit odd. In my mind it just seemed at the time like a bit of a compromise, which is what I understand marriage to be all about. If Douglas had his way it would be every other day so getting away with doing it twice a year seemed like an excellent resolution. I don’t want Douglas going off altogether.

yours glummly,

I must say I'm finding what you say about sexual healing quite intriguing.

Charlotte Lott

Pot Noodle (chicken and mushroom)

September 10th

Charlotte Lott.

Dear Dr. Bedford,
Firstly, I’m not entirely sure what you mean by suggesting my emails are part of some wind-up? Should I take offence?

I have re-read my own emails back to myself, to see what you mean by describing them as absurd and frankly haven’t got the slightest idea how or why you would say such a strange thing. Absurd is a strong word Doctor Bedford, absurd is sitting down for an evening meal in a dressing gown and bowler hat or walking backwards to the fish market when the fish market is closed. Whilst, I do admit to aspects of my dreams as being a trifle silly, I fail to see which other area’s lead you to question my sincerity. You are the one that published an article on the Internet and advertised your services free of charge- perhaps you have wound yourself up, I have certainly not intended to.

As for my dilemma! Remarkably or unremarkably –the decision seems to have been made for me. I told Douglas about this old school friend Lisa, inviting me on some basket-making course in Dundee-I thought it would be a good idea to tell him whilst he was examining some of his new golf clubs out on the lawn - give the whole thing a more causal feel, but he said no. infact, he said ‘No Sugar-bum’ (which is what he sometimes calls me), you can’t possibly go to Dundee for a basket making course’, and when I asked why, said, ‘because Dundee is in Scotland darling and that was that.

I was a bit cross that we didn’t discuss it properly the way we discuss his trips to see ships, but then in some ways I was just relieved that my dilemma, to all intents of purpose had been settled. I felt lighter inside Doctor Bedford –very much lighter indeed. Dundee is quite a remote place to go to just for a visit. Also, Douglas is going to be home all weekend for a change and has booked the two of us to go with two of his work colleagues to see Miss Saigon; a third time for me and a sixteenth time for Douglas. Douglas absolutely adores musicals and takes all his foreign clients to see them. He knows every single word to four of the songs in ‘Les Miserables’. I once joked that Douglas could probably be on mastermind answering questions about it. He’s got a brilliant memory you know-all his family have. Douglas’s dad remembers every military strategy from the Second World War, and Douglas’s mum remembers the name of every single flower. All his family make jokes that I can remember all my own names. His family can be very funny, it’s their Scottish roots, I think.

Maybe I do feel a little bit trapped; but is that so bad? As far as I’m aware being a little bit trapped is better than not being trapped at all, and whilst I would like to travel at some point there’s nowhere particular that I’m desperate to go to. Besides, I really don’t know T that well, and the whole thing could have terrible repercussions. Sara says lots of artists are perverts.

I found your knowing about my father alarming. He’s not actually dead- my dad, but he left my mum when I was five and apart from a big cheque that he gave to my mum for me to do a secretarial course after I left school have heard nothing from him since. He told us he was popping out for a pot noodle but he never came back. My mum says my dad had a very troubled back ground and it was probably for the best. When ever anyone does ask about Dad, I always say he died when I was five, because ultimately that’s the way I feel about it. I certainly don’t have any fond memories of being picked up or cuddled by him. Perhaps you’re a better psychic than you are a healer. I do wonder how you could you have surmised that just from my email?

Anyway, I suppose with my current dilemma all sorted there really isn’t much left you can help me with. I can see that the things in my life are really quite good. Perhaps Sara is right in thinking there are more needy people out there who deserve your time and consideration more than I.

yours with the utmost sincerity,

Charlotte's Lot.......

“It’s just a Ride………..”

Bill Hicks

December 18th 2007

Dear Jack,
You might be interested to learn that I’m in hospital-I won’t tell you which one for fear you might feel some obligation to come and see me and I’m sure you must be busy publishing your next memoirs.

I am told that I am completely fine- naturally it’s been a shock; one doesn’t expect to suffer asphyxiation and be rushed off into emergency after digesting a single prawn. The exhibition is said to have been a ‘refreshing and surprising’ experience, none the less so for my dramatic allergic reaction to the said crudités.

I have been informed that you arrived to see my ‘open gallery’ shortly after my departure. What a shame I missed you. I’m sure you must have had something important to tell me about ‘your book’. Don’t worry though Jack, you’re the one that has to live with yourself, knowing what a fake you are-and how little integrity you actually have. Whilst readers may be interested to learn what a fake and imbecile I am, it won’t take them long before they realise, that’s what I’ve been saying most of the time myself.

I have spoken to Mr Pringle, who thinks that your publishing of my genuine correspondence written by me without my consent is illegal, so I do hope you are going to make enough money from the book to pay for it. Could be a very messy law suit-still, I think we both know that no publicity is bad publicity. Anyway, what a pittance any law suit will seem in comparison, once they convert your book ‘Charlotte’s Lott’ into a Blockbuster film. Did I say ‘your book’-oh how funny, I swear, someone said it had your name on the cover. Oh here comes the Nurse with it now. I’ll read it here and let you know what I think you fucking bastard.

PS. I think you should put this email at the front of the book

Charlotte.
X

September 2005: Provincial Shackles
September 2nd

Dear Dr. Bedford,
My name is Charlotte Lott and I am a petite Brunette with pert breasts.

I mention the breasts, as I am keen to get your attention. Although, I myself had never heard of you, my friend Sara tells me that you are famous and are likely to have a million people read your article ‘The Power of Healing’ and wish to take you up on the offer of free Internet counselling for a year.

I am, happy to share with you my current tumultuous dilemma and any subsequent ones (in the eventuality of there being any) in exchange for good confidential advice. I am not on medication and have not been diagnosed with depression. I am not schizophrenic, although I can be very indecisive, which comes with its’ own set of challenges. However, sometimes I do get a little confused when I come to a fork on the road and don’t know whether to go left or right which, pretty much, sums up my present situation.

What more can I tell you? Truthfully, I would love to tell you a lot more. I’m a very interesting person Doctor Bedford, who I’m sure in time will prove to be as great an opportunity for you to advise, as for me to receive your counsel.

You have said that, should your advice and simple techniques be followed the average person will see visible and miraculous results. I cannot pretend that my life here in Dorking isn’t very good in many respects; I have a big house, a husband and now a kitten too. Sadly, I fear that not everything is as it should be; but more of that should my email interest you in any way.

Fingers crossed for a reply
Charlotte Lott

Hi Charlotte,
The firm breasts did catch my eye-so well on that front! Before I assure you that I am interested in your present ‘tumultuous dilemma’ –can we clarify one or two things?

You mention that you are happy to share any problems that you may experience in the oncoming year. What would be discussed between us, would be (for the record) entirely in your hands. However, you do state that you are happy so long as any advice is confidential-and I don’t want to mislead you in this area. The intention behind my offer of free counselling, which as you know will take place entirely over the internet, is not only to lead the recipient of my advice into making better life decisions but to gather a body of work which can be used for research purposes. I am currently writing a book, which explores the powerful and frequently underused techniques, which can so easily transform people’s lives. Whilst you can be assured that I will not discuss any of our conversations with other people it may be necessary at some point to quote aspects from your case study, to render the discoveries of our journey as evidence for success. For this reason I would need you to agree to entrust me with all our future correspondence. I could see why this might leave you feeling uncomfortable with the situation, which is why it’s important to highlight.

Yes, it is true that many- not millions-I’m not really that famous-may like the idea of free counselling from a ‘celebrity’ healer, not so many would be au fait with the idea that they may end up as a source for some kind of alternative healing debate.

Let me know what you think?

Ps. Should this email have put you off from any further dialogue - let me impart to you the well and pertinent saying of Yogi Berra:

‘When you come to
A fork in the road-
Take it’.

to find out what your stars say click here at

From
Doctor Bedford

September 3rd

Dear Doctor Bedford,
No, I’m not put off in the least-how exciting! I wouldn’t mind at all your discussing ‘my case study’ on some alternative-healing programme and of course I totally trust you with all our correspondence. What I meant by confidence is that you wouldn’t tell my husband, for instance if I told you something that I know he wouldn’t like, or maybe my mum. My mum has tried to bring me up as a catholic and doesn’t really get on with all the alternative kinds of things there are now. Sometimes, I know what she means and feel quite catholic myself but most of the time I can see a little bit of sense in a lot of things, which leaves I sometimes think a bit of a hazy picture.

Would you be discussing me on television-Sara says she has seen you on a Sunday morning programme a few times? If you were to discuss me on the television, would you have to use my name, or where I lived? I don’t think I’d be too happy for that to happen-although I suppose it would depend on what was being talked about.

By the way, I think you chopped a bit of ‘Yogi’s’ advice off the end, the bit that tells you which road to take. The way it read on my email was ‘When you come to a fork on the road just take it’; it doesn’t tell you which road to take- which isn’t very helpful, but thanks anyway.

Love Charlotte.
x

Hello Charlotte,
Your email made me laugh-so did your’ first one come to think of it. No-the whole point of a Zen Proverb (which, is what that ‘fork quote’ is) is that it works on a deeper level. The message transcends telling you which path to take, which is so easy for anyone to do-and advises instead that you just take a path. In other words it’s never the destination you choose but the journey itself that counts. We can never know what lies ahead of any path in our lives, all we can do is determine to do what we do with gusto and give it our best.

No, I wont be giving out your name and address on a television show, or laughing about your personal dilemmas in pubs or dry cleaners. I won’t be pasting posters of your face around your neighbourhood either, unless you want me to. Also, Charlotte Lott if I do need to quote or publish details relating to your personal development, which is all it would be I would of course change your name to protect your identity. However, I am not envisaging a national scale interest in the small and personal research I am doing with you or the other four people who I will be counselling for a year.

Does that mean we are on then? It really is just going to be two people chatting like we are doing now. I won’t even be offering you the physical healing or acupuncture that I usually do as it’s not the area I’m looking into at the moment-and I’d rather keep it simple.

Speak to you soon when I can hear more about that fork of yours!
Doctor Bedford.

September 4th
Hello Doctor Bedford,
Yes, we are on, and I’m beginning to enjoy this already. Well, to the matter in hand. As I have said, I live in a place called Dorking, with my husband. We met when we were nineteen and have been married for six years. My husband, Douglas has a very high- powered job in ship insurance, which takes him out of England on various work functions, so naturally he is often tired when he is home because he works so hard. I am very in love with my husband Doctor Bedford and very grateful for all the hard work he does to keep us in a lovely big house, which is by far the nicest on the street. However, about three months ago I went with Sara to the opening of one of her friend’s art exhibitions where I met a young art artist who I will call T for now to protect him in the unlikely event of any future case study public debate. I felt an attraction to T, or perhaps felt he was attracted me, so when he asked me what I did for a living I said I was an artist too and didn’t tell him that I have a husband. I don’t usually lie, but for some reason felt ashamed that I didn’t really do anything in the day apart from tidy the house or even do that much in the evening since Douglas is away so much of the time these days.

Anyway, I got an email from T about a week ago asking me over for a weekend to his house in Dundee, where he lives. He said he wants to paint me so that he can use the picture for an exhibition of his work in Scotland. He says he can do it from a photo but would prefer to have me sit for him in a classical Goddess type of pose. My heart races at the thought of it! I would love to be painted and hung up in an exhibition gallery, but I think if I go there T may want something sexual to happen or I might. I don’t know what to do; I have never cheated on Douglas and never would. I’m not saying I’ve never found another man attractive, or imagined what it might be like to set the table for George Cloony, or hang up Brad Pit’s pants –but that’s as far as it has ever gone. As far as I know that’s not a crime even by the catholic religion’s standards.

So you see, I face a dramatic dilemma! What should I do, stay in Dorking in a lovely but empty house kept up by my husband or, unleash the shackles of my provincial life and fly off to Dundee to be painted by some artist I hardly know?

Tell me what I should do?

Charlotte Lott.